KOB takes a light-hearted look at the ever changing offside rule

There was a time when the offside rule was the one - often the only - jewel of knowledge understood only by the male population of this country. Husbands and boyfriends - constantly challenged when it came to cooking the Sunday lunch, setting the washing machine on the correct cycle, writing a shopping list or adjusting the length of a new pair of jeans - could wallow in the satisfaction of knowing that their partners would stumble hopelessly when it came to describing the offside rule in Association Football.

Oh how we have laughed at the attempts, even after describing the rule to them, in detail, at the dinner table, using the condiment set and sauce bottles to show precisely how the rule is applied.
"So, the ketchup is the goal-keeper and the pepper pot is Tony Adams. But if Eric Cantona is the salt, who's the Daddies...? Oh, right, but what's a linesman and can he be offside?"

Better still, anyone who didn't follow football - usually high-flying academic types who would trot out the chemical composition of the earth's core in some misplaced attempt to ‘liven up' the party conversation - were totally flummoxed when asked to describe the offside rule.

For the common man, the football fan, the offside rule was our haven, the one thing we could pull from our limited collection of things we truly understood and that left so many others clueless. We could shout at the TV when the flag went up, telling the far away officials that "no way was that offside" completely secure in the knowledge that few, if any, of those in the room would dare to challenge us on it.

It was beautifully summed up in the film ‘The Full Monty'. Gerald - the one person who knew how to dance - was desperately trying to get the motley collection of out-of-work men to learn a dance routine, ready for their one-off male strip show. Set out in two rows, one behind the other, the back row were to move forward as one, at a certain point in the music. The result, time and time again, looked more like the crowd trying to get in to Old Trafford.
Then Horse (actor Paul Barber) realised it was like the Arsenal offside trap. Instantly all the others understood and, at the exact point in the music, the entire back row put up their arms, took one large pace forward in perfect unison and shouted "offside!". Heaven knows how American audiences understood that (yeah, brilliant - we also had one over on the yanks too!).

It was a beautiful time. We were all Kings of the Offside Rule.

Now no one can hope to fully understand it, so what happened?

FIFA had a dilemma. They hadn't had a decent jolly for a good few months. The last trip had been to South Korea and Japan for the World Cup, which had seemed a cool place for the FIFA officials to try out, but Sepp Blatter couldn't get used to it.... he kept complaining that his Sushi was raw and had obviously sat around for a while because it was cold. It had been a real disappointment, so they had to think of an excuse for another trip, and quick.

What it needed was some reason for a high-level meeting, away from prying eyes and the press - preferably close to a beach and several 5-star restaurants. But what could they discuss that would be so important, require such secrecy. They'd done kick-ins, making the goals bigger, making the goals smaller, making the pitch round, making the ball oval (until one of them said he thought there was already a game that did that), making it 12 a-side, making it 9 a-side, having 3 ‘halves' of 30 minutes each... There was nothing for it - it would have to be the holy grail of all rules - the Offside Rule.

There were gasps as Blatter muttered the words.
"Sepp, do you realise what you are saying?" said one of the African delegates. "The offside rule... are you mad? It will cause mayhem across nations; ordinary men will never again feel supreme amongst mortals of higher intelligence, not even women!"
"The time has come, my loyal servants," replied Blatter, "when we must face the unfaceable, think the unthinkable, and book up the Regency Palace in Bali before that mob from the UN get in there. And for heaven's sake, make sure they have several bottles of Krug Clos du Mesnil 1995 and enough crab and lobster this time."

And so, after several bottles, much sun-bathing and about 10 minutes in an air-conditioned meeting room with its own well equipped bar, Sepp was able to reveal to the world the new offside rule. When they returned, he held a press conference and invited a question from Sky Sports' Nick Collins.
"So, let me get this right, Mr Blatter. A player could be in an offside position, but if he's not interfering with play - not ‘active', as you put it - even if he's standing in the 6-yard box, then he's not offside... unless he turns and runs in the other direction... but if it's raining, or if the linesman wears glasses, then the player must be no more than 15 yards from his touchline... or wearing a dayglow green shirt?"
"Actually, we're still looking at the practicalities of the weather effects and how they may interfere with the rule," Sepp interjected. "Also, that whole thing about glasses was a joke, actually."

"I see," Nick continued. "Well, you do realise that the offside rule now sounds like the one we used to play at school, with jumpers for goalposts. Jimmy Two Bellies would hang about up front, next to his jacket - or lean on the post if it was a house match on the school pitch - and we'd boot the ball up to him. He'd just stand there and let it hit him and go in the goal. At no point could Jimmy ever be described as ‘active' - we never saw him move more than two feet in the whole game!"
"The point is," Nick continued, "we'll still only have three officials, right? The same three officials who often got it wrong under the old system - the one that was clear, that everyone apart from my wife understood. Now no one understands it - so why did we have to change it, Mr Blatter?"

"Look," Sepp replied, sounding a little tetchy, " if we simply kept using the same rules, year after year, what on earth do you think would happen to people like me? Football needs ruling bodies - FIFA, UEFA, your FA - the global hotel industry needs us. Swiss Air would go bust if it were not for me, restaurants would be closing everywhere. Nick, you really need to think before you ask such silly questions, you know." [KOB]